Goofs and Gadflies

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Smooth Surfaces

Winter set in with a quiet thud and moved meekly through the bones of the huddled masses. The cold snap sent rivulets of frosty memories streaming through my conscious mind. I seem to be hell bent on reminiscing the entirety of my cognizant existence in flashes flooding my brain. Spending pensive moments sitting in front of an unlit fireplace. Much like Bob "Pink" Geldof stared at a blank TV screen, I sit motionless, emotionless, both fascinated and exhausted by the process of relegating memories to the rightful sections of the storage bin I call my brain. I know this doesn't sound like a happy task, or a particularly bright idea (musing in the midst of dark times), but winters have always been the season of my discontent. Sleeping more than I should, stepping up the coffee intake, and eating enough chocolate to spike shares in Cadbury. I do these things to make myself happy, because the alternative to happy is indifference. I guess you were expecting me to say sad? Nah, I don't want to attach a relative quality to sadness, I'll let such a strong emotion remain untethered. I do wonder about moroseness, what would its relative opposite feeling be? It's at this point the author realizes he hasn't has a paragraph break in, like, forever.

As I sip on my third Timmie's concoction of the day, I think about time, specifically the time of forever. I don't think I have a grasp on forever. People seem to talk about it enough, but it's used in so many different ways. Forever Young? Do you really want to live forever? I haven't seen him in forever. I've known him forever. I get always. I understand that word. Always means sometimes, but most particularly about five minutes ago. Never is understood much in the same way. They even have preferred prepositions. You *always* get your way. I *never* get to choose. A noted exception would be John Lennon writing "You *never* give me your money", but it's John Lennon and he gets a pass. Besides, he would probably say Paul wrote that line. It's all about arguing. Passion with communication. Something I have trouble with. I've always been a poor arguer. I treat words like swords, capable of great beauty but also great pain. Nice to look at, but also to be used safely and respected for their power. This is why I ended up saying to someone yesterday, "Every good negotiation begins with a concession". I get the feeling that if Winston Churchill ever spoke to me in a dream he would say "I was wrong. Appeasement is for wankers!"

Like my most flexible friend Janice reminded me earlier "The greatest of faults, is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle" Ps. Janice has a sinus infection and I hope she feels better. I also hope she doesn't sneeze any germs my way.

I'm chipping away at surface emotions here. Afraid to deal with issues lingering well below the beltline of sanguinity. Penny wise and Pound foolish is the antithesis to that pithy rejoinder I am also reminded of; "Watch the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves". If its a penny for my thoughts I've got a bucket with a hole in it, dear Eliza, and I am Throwing Copper wherever I may roam. I am dropping enough mental jewelry to make a crown of thorns upon my head. It all comes back to the problems. This time its personal. Last year I walked the line in the cold wind and rain, fighting demons and feelings that saddled me with cement stockings. Feelings of inadequacy that dauntingly forced me to confront myself and defend my existence. I came out of that personal courtroom a new man. Emotionally sound and spiritually healthy. It's because of this that the following news has me so perplexed. About a month ago, a urologist found that a lipoma in my groin had doubled in size. I am going to have a biopsy tomorrow. I've been a little frozen since the news. I didn't tell more than a handful of people and really didn't want to discuss it much more than to explain what was going on in my life. I was unable to tap into my creative sphere for fear of stimulating any macabre ideas. I can talk about it here because in this case I am talking to everyone and no one at all. I've struggled quietly with this and in a few days I will have my answer.