Goofs and Gadflies

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

One is the Lonliest Number

February Stars
Floating in the Dark
Temporary Scars
February Stars
-Dave Grohl

There are some places in my head which are truly isolated. Spaces which are rarely tapped into but convey the true nature of my existance. I have this connection to the world that defies explanation. It reveals itself as a predispostion to kindness and sensitivity, but it is born from a collective unconscious that I belong to. I feel a connection to others that could be described as deeply magnetic. I am drawn to people and the stories they tell in their eyes. So when I get to tap into that isolated area, the area of my mind I keep just for myself (a secret garden), it offers me a vision of where I am in relation to no one else but myself.

A record of solitude
The impression stands
Get in a pool of tears
Flexible, fervent streams

Fleeting fame from a sidewalk window
facing North and South for the first time
Compasses galore, with no one to follow
Walk to the place I would never find


I took some time on the weekend to meditate on the concept of singularity and isolation. I attempted to disconnect myself from everything and everyone in an effort to be reborn into myself. I turned off the cell and the chat messengers. I walked, shopped, and exercised some more. I was with other people but isolated in my mind. I was in a trance like state, oblivious to all that I had ceased any emotional connections to the world. This was a test of my inner strength.

As I drove home from the gym, I focused a set of thoughts in my mind. I created a mindset to map a logical order of the systems in my life. I shut down my consciousness and as I drove (slightly worried about getting into an accident because I was vanishing in spirit) I felt my essence disappear from the collective energy I feed into. My sense of belonging and identity went out the window as I drove in complete silence. I felt a darkness and silent lucidity overcome me as the wheels spun against the cracked pavement. Nothing is perfect, and there is nothing left to lose. My heart contains a fire that is fueled by the breath of others. The fire runs dim, it needs nourishment to regain a healthy glow. It is easier to slip into these moments of isolation than ever before. These are the thoughts I shared with myself as I drove myself home.

I finished the exercise in failure. I could not refrain from connecting to the comfortable safety of others. I reached out. I yearned for a connection to the outside world that sought me as well. My own company was insufficient. That is something I would like to work on. I need to find validity in the essence of self. I had set out for a day of isolation, but found that I was sick of myself. I think that if nothing else, that observation made the entire exercise have some value.

I saw the movie "Crash" last week. Written by Paul Haggis (Million Dollar Baby), it recounts the supercharged atmosphere of Los Angeles as experienced by a number of radically different people. But they are all connected, and that is what I was trying to do, find myself among the connections I have made in my life. Capture my essence in the ethreal elements of a friend's smile. See myself in someone else's eyes. I needed a paradigm shift and a affirmation that I am what I say I am.


The day also led to furious bouts of writing. My thoughts clicked through the keyboard like a torrential rain on the Gulf Coast. Most of it will never see the light of day, but may be the start of a fictional book I've been writing in my head. Unfortunately, "Are you there G-d, it's me Margaret" has already been written. The book I want to write would read like a collaboration between Judy Blume and Hunter S. Thompson. I actually have about 5 posts sitting in the Draft Folder waiting to be pieced together. Unfortunately I seem to enjoy the summer heat and the beat on the street, so the blogging outlook will continue to waver between "half-assed" and "negligent".

Till then.

R

7 Comments:

  • Solitude (what the early hasidim called hisbodidus) is an important element in one's development. I'd be curious to know, lulei demistafina, if you find any correlation between your solitude time and your bursts of writing. I would think they'd be connected.

    By Blogger ClooJew, At 5:55 PM  

  • the summer heat does breed a refrain from blogging. more so in your case, publish some drafts! :)

    i too need to make more space for myself, the solo moments seem to be few and far betwen lately. but those moments when i can sit and reflect are beautiful.

    loved "crash," we should talk about it sometime. it reminded me of "magnolia," and so did your post title. now i'm going to be hearing aimee mann all night.

    By Blogger Bex, At 9:56 PM  

  • I just re-watched Magnolia, and dagnabit if that movie isn't enough to push a suicidal person over the edge ("Wise Up," in particular...)

    But this post was beautifully written--I think we've all been in that kind of solitude, be it self-imposed as an experiment or in our own heads in a crowd or alone...

    You should try NYC. Here, even when you're alone, you're not, and often when you're not alone, you are.

    Look, whatever fuels the writing...

    By Anonymous Esther, At 8:02 AM  

  • "I finished the exercise in failure. I could not refrain from connecting to the comfortable safety of others. I reached out. I yearned for a connection to the outside world that sought me as well. My own company was insufficient. That is something I would like to work on. I need to find validity in the essence of self."
    That sounds very harsh...could it be that you *felt* you *failed* because you are trying to create an absolute?
    I find the healthiest, wholest people I meet have very deep personal connections. My own spiritual community is all about just being with what is, trying not to judge or hate the self.
    (and Esther..."Magnolia" is my favorite movie! I can see where you feel it's dark; I myself (after several viewings) found it to be, actually, an inspiring picture of personal redemption.)

    By Blogger Zenchick, At 7:44 PM  

  • Cloojew- Thanks for stopping by. I must say that I enjoy writing most when my senses are tantalized by being in a "scene". During my solitude writing becomes somewhat a laborious chore. I type and delete and repeat in some lyratic mambo. The isolation is usually due to a lack of clarity, which more than likely will supress my writing then enhance it.

    Bex- We talked! finally. But you seemed really beat so I kept it short. I would be happy to chat again any time.

    Esther- Your praise means more to me than you could know. I hold your work in very high esteem. Your writing seeps inside my head and steeps like a good cuppa tea.

    Zen- Yeah, it was harsh. But that's my new thing. I am raising my standards for myself. My contentment has bred mediocrity and stagnation. I am going to push myself a lot harder in the future.

    By Blogger Rye, At 8:49 PM  

  • "The book I want to write would read like a collaboration between Judy Blume and Hunter S. Thompson."

    !!! I would definitely read that.

    By Anonymous industry whore, At 6:04 PM  

  • That's after I write my first book, "How to be Homo without being Homosexual:Loving your gay friends while keeping your pants on"

    Thanks for stopping by. If you are coming in for the TO film festival and you want to know where the lay of the land is, shoot me an email.

    By Blogger Rye, At 10:50 PM  

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