One is the Lonliest Number

February Stars
Floating in the Dark
Temporary Scars
February Stars
-Dave Grohl

There are some places in my head which are truly isolated. Spaces which are rarely tapped into but convey the true nature of my existance. I have this connection to the world that defies explanation. It reveals itself as a predispostion to kindness and sensitivity, but it is born from a collective unconscious that I belong to. I feel a connection to others that could be described as deeply magnetic. I am drawn to people and the stories they tell in their eyes. So when I get to tap into that isolated area, the area of my mind I keep just for myself (a secret garden), it offers me a vision of where I am in relation to no one else but myself.

A record of solitude
The impression stands
Get in a pool of tears
Flexible, fervent streams

Fleeting fame from a sidewalk window
facing North and South for the first time
Compasses galore, with no one to follow
Walk to the place I would never find


I took some time on the weekend to meditate on the concept of singularity and isolation. I attempted to disconnect myself from everything and everyone in an effort to be reborn into myself. I turned off the cell and the chat messengers. I walked, shopped, and exercised some more. I was with other people but isolated in my mind. I was in a trance like state, oblivious to all that I had ceased any emotional connections to the world. This was a test of my inner strength.

As I drove home from the gym, I focused a set of thoughts in my mind. I created a mindset to map a logical order of the systems in my life. I shut down my consciousness and as I drove (slightly worried about getting into an accident because I was vanishing in spirit) I felt my essence disappear from the collective energy I feed into. My sense of belonging and identity went out the window as I drove in complete silence. I felt a darkness and silent lucidity overcome me as the wheels spun against the cracked pavement. Nothing is perfect, and there is nothing left to lose. My heart contains a fire that is fueled by the breath of others. The fire runs dim, it needs nourishment to regain a healthy glow. It is easier to slip into these moments of isolation than ever before. These are the thoughts I shared with myself as I drove myself home.

I finished the exercise in failure. I could not refrain from connecting to the comfortable safety of others. I reached out. I yearned for a connection to the outside world that sought me as well. My own company was insufficient. That is something I would like to work on. I need to find validity in the essence of self. I had set out for a day of isolation, but found that I was sick of myself. I think that if nothing else, that observation made the entire exercise have some value.

I saw the movie "Crash" last week. Written by Paul Haggis (Million Dollar Baby), it recounts the supercharged atmosphere of Los Angeles as experienced by a number of radically different people. But they are all connected, and that is what I was trying to do, find myself among the connections I have made in my life. Capture my essence in the ethreal elements of a friend's smile. See myself in someone else's eyes. I needed a paradigm shift and a affirmation that I am what I say I am.


The day also led to furious bouts of writing. My thoughts clicked through the keyboard like a torrential rain on the Gulf Coast. Most of it will never see the light of day, but may be the start of a fictional book I've been writing in my head. Unfortunately, "Are you there G-d, it's me Margaret" has already been written. The book I want to write would read like a collaboration between Judy Blume and Hunter S. Thompson. I actually have about 5 posts sitting in the Draft Folder waiting to be pieced together. Unfortunately I seem to enjoy the summer heat and the beat on the street, so the blogging outlook will continue to waver between "half-assed" and "negligent".

Till then.

R